Warwick Mafia X - Psychopath Contest

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Vote: Officer

Is anyone else one shot bulletproof?

I think we should no eliminate and kill the person below us in the list - with officer killing amelie

I think we can all agree the worst case scenario is the mod winning

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I see through your hustle

Serial "Killer" Friend here.
.
I don't care if you think the name is dumb, Timmy, I'm gonna keep using it.
.
Yeah, I'm just waiting for him to get here now, I don't know what to expect honestly, but I think I'll bond with him a little befor-

Oh, I didn't see you there!

Sorry about that, I was just taking a call with one of my associates. I have a lot of friends in this business you know, we help each other out from time to time. One day, I'll go round to Timmy's and help him scrub blood from the walls, and the next Lisa will come round to help me dissolve a particularly tough body.
It's a great community we got going really, and this kind of work is so much more rewarding when you've got some friends along for the ride.

Anyway.

About my last victim, citceh? Yeaaaaaah... that one was a mistake. The fuck was I supposed to know he was a Mafia Don? I don't discriminate with my enligtenments, I stab justly and equally to all, so I guess I didn't think much of all the fedoras, cigars, and daughter's wedding dresses he had scattered around his apartment.

Anyway, looks like they've sent one of their top mafioso after me. "Distributive" is what they call her on the streets. Legends say she got her name after "distributing" some lead to the President last year. Still miss good old Farage.

Would you look at me; I'm rambling! Follow me in, Panda, and we can discuss this inside at more length. Mind your head on the cleavers hanging from the ceiling... oh, and watch your hand on that railing! It's coated with a deadly poison which will kill you within seconds if any contact is made.
Why all the deadly hazards? Well, it's a funny game us Serial Workers like to play. Pranking I guess you could call it. Lisa set up the poison, and Timmy hung the cleavers, I spotted both easily though, they really need to step up their game... hahahehahohaHAHEHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH€HAhehe...

*cough*

Apologies... I got a little carried away there, you understand though, right? It's pretty funny.

I placed some undetectable carbon monoxide emitters in Timmy's house the other day, so I'm looking forward to how he tackles that one. He'll notice and shut it down though, no need to worry. This is Timmy we're talking about, he has what, 17 confirmed "Completed Tasks" now?

Alright, have a seat on the sofa, sit on the left side though, the right is collapsible and plummets straight into a meat grinder. Or wait, was it the left side? Maybe it's best if you just stand actually.

So... negotiations.
What do you propose, Panda?

Officer, If you're SK why are you not voting no eliminate?

The place was just as I remembered it. Empty vodka bottles lay scattered across the floor, cobwebs creeping into dark, shadowy corners. An old, scratched wooden desk stood in the centre of the room, assigned with the honour of sporting stacks upon stacks of yellowing paperwork and documents. Despite the state of the room, I couldn't help but feel a tad nostalgic.

"Smells like a bus driver died in here, Sheriff."

Behind the desk sat a short, stout man, sporting a rather large green afro. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Now why would you know what a dead bus driver smells like?"

I flinched. I'd forgotten how paranoid and analytical the man was. And though I had killed several bus drivers and national railway conductors in my time, it was just a simple joke, and this certainly wasn't what a dead bus driver smelt like.

I laughed as convincingly as I could, "A mere joke, Sheriff Panda, you take everything I say far too seriously."

Silence enveloped us as Panda stared at me, bemused. A few awkward hours passed like this before I realised he was waiting for me to talk.

"Oh. So Sheriff, I know we haven't always been the best of friends, but I think you should listen very carefully to what I have to say." I paused, "It's about Distributive."

Panda recoiled and stared at me harshly, "You utter that name again in my office, and I'll have you on an electric chair within the minute."

"Sorry, sorry!" I apologised profusely, "well.. the one who shall not be named has been going around town pointing guns at people. She initially took aim at me, then at yourself, and now back at me."

Panda remained silent.

"I know what you're thinking: This is the perfect opportunity for you to take advantage of the situation and finally get rid of me for all the crimes I'v- uh, you think I've done. But you are so wrong. The minute I'm 6 feet under, she's coming after you in the night, and we all know what happens when a mafioso and sheriff shoot at each other in the night."

"Are you questioning my abilities, boy?!" roared Panda.

"No, not at all! It's not your fault, Sheriff, it's a simple law that was ingrained into this universe by our cruel creator. You know... 'Seaber'"

I shuddered upon uttering her name. The thought of what she had in store for me if I managed to make it out of this alive terrified me.

Panda sighed, and some of the coldness evaporated from his millennia-old, wrinkled face, "So what you're saying is that the Mafiaso is the only one with something to gain if someone dies today. Well, I can't argue with your point there."

I beamed, "Thank you for understanding, Sheriff. Sorry to cut this short, but I need to go check up on Timmy, I haven't heard from him in a while so I'm a little worried. I'll talk to you later."

And with that, I strode out of the smouldering dumpster that was the Sheriff's office. The man smoked so many packs a day, there was a constant whirlwind of thick smoke spiralling around the room. I gasped for air as I emerged outside. Holding your breath for minutes at a time while making conversation was difficult, but a necessity if you wanted to walk out of that room without contracting several deadly diseases.
Distributive's hideout was next.

Yeah, the game is solved.

I’ve changed my mind again though. Obviously my interactions in a Panda vs Me night phase, since he’s necessarily motivated to shoot me due to the asymmetrical nature of our roles. However Officer, we can work together. We get to win together (resulting in the maximum victory possible) if we eliminate Panda now. If we shoot each other in the night, there’s a chance we both do and Seaber wins. I think we can trust each other to put a joint victory over that. I have no incentive to be a lone victor.

Vote: Panda final answer.

This game can be reduced to winner, loser, banana; with the additional outcome that a random fourth player wins if we all slap the person to our left.

Spiteful is not a good look

What are you talking about?